Twenty year old things

   Last fall my husband and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary.  One of the slightly odd things we did when we got together with our children for the occasion was to go around the table one by one and try to name wedding gifts we had received.  When we couldn't think of any more, we checked the back of our wedding guest book, which listed them all.
   It got me thinking about the things we received as wedding gifts that we still use almost daily. They have stood the test of time, though you may notice some items have required minor repairs by my handyman husband.  If you are married, I wonder which of your wedding gifts you still have and use. How often do you think of the people who gave them to you?  Through these pictures, I reflect on the kindness of others to us twenty years ago and treasure the reason we all came together to celebrate: our marriage.

 


  A number of our wedding guests blessed us with cash.  We pooled this together to purchase 8 oak dining chairs, which remain sturdy and useful. They were crafted by Mennonites.

    Daily cooking with pots and pans is mostly done with the 7 piece set of Lagostina cookware given at a wedding shower by the neighbors in the rural area where I grew up.  The smallest saucepan and the Dutch oven have both needed handles to be reattached, but they continue to serve us well.

  The kitchen knife to the right was given to us by cousin Frank, who passed away last December.  We remember his kindness and struggles whenever we chop celery, peppers or onions.

  Two uncles from the Netherlands brought a group gift from nine aunts and uncles plus some cousins.  It was a full set of Sola flatware.  We were told upon receiving it: "Don't save it for special occasions; make this your 'everyday' silverware."

  This is just one sample of framed needlework we received.  The roses signify the business my husband used to be part of with his family.  The neighbor of my husband's parents made this carefully stitched picture, which now outlives her.

A plate decorated with stamps was one of the other hand-made gifts we received from my husband's nieces and nephews at a wedding shower.  My mother-in-law had previously invited these children to her home to make gifts for us.  This one-of-a-kind serving plate is a nice conversation piece when serving squares or cookies to guests.





   At first we were afraid to use this pottery milk pitcher, which holds milk that comes in bags.*  What if it breaks, we thought.  Even though it has been used while three young children could have been careless with it, it doesn't have one chip in it.



*In Ontario, Canada milk can be bought in cartons, jugs or bags.  Bags come in sets of 3, totaling 4 litres, and is usually the best buy.

Sensitive Matters

   Where I live, the Ministry of Education has mandated a new curriculum for health education, specifically dealing with human sexuality for elementary students up to eighth grade.  This week I witnessed many parents upset about the content of this curriculum as they made delegations at an open meeting of the public school board.  Some examples of issues raised were that the new curriculum gives young children too much information at too young an age, that it fails to connect sexual behavior to marriage and commitment, that it fails to mention sex trafficking, rape and pornography as risks for older children and that it glosses over the dangers of sexually transmitted infections.
   After six people, including one psychiatrist and one registered nurse, shared their concerns, the trustees discussed what could be done. The parents were requesting information sessions be provided to all interested parents so that they would know what was being taught and so that they would be aware of their rights to withdraw their child from the classes if they found them objectionable on religious grounds.  In the end, the trustees voted to invite the Minister of Education to the region to provide such an information session since the board itself cannot set or change policy.
   Information sharing is something that happens at my school whenever sensitive topics will be taught to a class.  This year for the first time, I taught a unit for Grade 5 students at my school entitled "Growing and Changing." Prior to the start of this unit (and similar health classes that deal with sexuality offered in Grade 3 and 6), teachers send home a letter to the parents outlining the topics that would be dealt with and providing contact information if they had any questions or concerns.  It was an option for a child to be exempt from the unit if a parent felt their child was not ready for any or all of these topics.
   Even though I teach at a private school where most of the parental values are held in common, it is important for me as a teacher to be transparent about what will be taught in this sensitive area.  There is a level of trust for the teacher to explain the changes of puberty in a way that is age-appropriate and that affirms marriage and family life.  All teaching also included the notion that God designed us male and female, and that our sexuality is a gift from God.  A question box was provided for students to ask things anonymously on paper that they may have felt uncomfortable voicing in a larger group. Discretion was used as to how best to answer these questions, but in my case all of them were normal and appropriate. If there were questions that went beyond the scope of education and the role of the teacher, students could have been told to bring those questions to their parents or to their family doctor.
   The primary educator of a child is his or her parents.  As a teacher, I recognize this reality every day.  That is why I consider myself so blessed to teach at a school where the values of the home and church are affirmed.  When we come to sensitive matters, teachers need to communicate with parents so that trust is maintained.
 

Because of a Pork Chop

Freerange stock photo

   Sometimes one small action or event leads to a chain of further events.  This is illustrated in the anonymous proverbial poem "For the want of a nail."

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
For want of a horse the rider was lost.
For want of a rider the battle was lost.
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

   The type of shoe spoken of here is a horse shoe, so the setting is a battle in the middle ages where a missing nail in a horse shoe ended up spelling disaster.  I shared this poem with my Grade 4 writing class this week as an illustration of a pattern poem.  Reflecting on the idea of a chain reaction beginning with one simple event, I recalled how a series of events began with a pork chop.
   Twelve years ago this summer, my husband was an adult leader at a boys camp out.  The boys aged about 7 to 13 years of age were part of a church-run club that annually took part in an overnight camping trip.  One particular boy, who I'll call Buddy, was going through some struggles as a result of his parents getting a divorce.  At supper time, the leaders and some of the boys had prepared pork chops and potatoes, but Buddy was later than everyone else to get to the table.  When the pork chops were being divided onto the boys' plates, only one small one was left for Buddy. Feeling that he had been cheated out of his rightful share of meat, Buddy not only became angry, he decided to leave.  It turns out that Buddy lived within walking distance [but more than an hour's walk] of the area they were camping in.
   Because Buddy decided to break away from the group, my husband as a leader went after him on foot.  He informed the other leaders where he was going and tried to catch up with the boy, hoping to convince him to finish up the weekend with his friends.  When he caught up with Buddy, the boy did not feel much like talking, but certain things spilled out including that his "life sucks." Eventually, Buddy was close enough to home that he convinced my husband that he did not need to be accompanied anymore.
   Now some distance from the camp, my husband noticed it was getting dark.  He assumed that one of the other leaders would come pick him up in a truck, but it took quite a while.  Since he did not have the opportunity very often, my husband sat down in a patch of grass alongside the country road and watched the sun set.
   As he did so, he felt the close presence of God, not just in the sunset but in the whole situation.  He was all alone with God in nature, and various things spoke to him about making a change of direction in his life.  What had pushed Buddy to anger and distress was a broken family, so my husband began thinking about the kinds of things that could help prevent such break ups.
   Although he enjoyed his work in the family business, he felt God calling him to do something different that might have a greater impact on families in general.
   When he got home from the camping trip, this experience led to a conversation with me.  As he expressed what had happened and the sense of calling, we explored various options together.  We had three preschool children, and everything pointed to leaving the community my husband had spend virtually his whole life in.  A few doors closed and others opened.  Eleven years ago we moved two hours west so my husband could go back to school to get some training in the field of relating to people.
   Although his current day job deals with a variety of people, he did not become a counselor.  He finds it very fulfilling to help others through the food bank where he is employed.  Some years ago, we found another couple passionate about giving tools to couples that will help them weather the storms of life together rather than parting company.  We have jointly facilitated marriage preparation classes and the marriage course through Alpha Ministries.
   I acknowledge that we live in the city where we do and that we help lead marriage preparation classes at our church "because of a pork chop."

Who Can Say This, Part 2

   A certain sentence containing three words can easily roll off our lips without thinking through what it really means.  The simple phrase I'm talking about is "I love you."  Love's varied uses has caused its meaning to be blurred.  When we say we love cheesecake, it's different than saying we love a person.  When we express love, is it a feeling in the moment or a commitment that will endure?
   While popular songs express romantic love freely, I wonder if we ought to be more guarded in how quickly we say that we love another.  One country singer crooned, "I'm gonna love you forever and ever, forever and ever. Amen," but sadly his marriage ended after nineteen years. Others sing "My love for you is true," but all human love falls short of what it sets out to be.  Who lives up to the promises made in most love songs?
   One honest musician I encountered via a pirated cassette given to me in the mid 1990's comes right out and says,

I could never promise you on just my strength alone
That all my life I'd care for you, and love you as my own
I've never known the future, I only see today
Words that last a lifetime would be more than I could say

But the love inside my heart today is more than mine alone
It never changes, it never fails, never seeks its own
And by the God who gives it, and who lives in me and you
I know the words I speak today are words I'm going to do [1]

   In that same spirit when my husband and I were getting to know each other, we were conscious of meaning what we said.  I knew that the first time he said, "I love you," it meant that something bigger was just around the corner.  About one week later, he asked me to marry him.  The desire to make a commitment to each other has always been tempered with the humility that only with God's love inside of us will we be able to fulfill our vows as we ought.  The kind of love expressed in 1 Corinthians 13, a love of action directed by the will rather than feelings, is God's love.  Amazingly, by God's grace, we are not only invited to receive God's love, but we also become able to love with God's love.  That's the only way we can say "I love you" with authenticity.

[1] Lyrics found http://www.elyrics.net/read/d/don-francisco-lyrics/i-could-never-promise-you-lyrics.html" 

Guest Post by Janessa: Kindergarten Connection

This is the true story my daughter penned for a school assignment. Enjoy.

In 1949, schools in Holland would put candles on the desks to decorate for Christmas.  Although this was a fire hazard, it was still a common practice for all ages.

My Oma, Jannie, was in kindergarten and it was Christmas time.  Even in kindergarten, there were candles on top of each desk.  She had leaned back into the candle on the desk behind her.  Jannie’s hair caught on fire and it was frightening for everyone present.  Luckily, they got the fire out in time and her hair was only slightly singed.  My Opa, Rinus, was in the same kindergarten class and felt bad for the girl whose hair caught on fire.

When Rinus was 12 years old, he immigrated to Canada with his parents, four sisters and three brothers.  Some family members occasionally returned to Holland for visits.

About 20 years later, Rinus’ sister, Ann, was spending a year in Holland.  Ann and Rinus were close in age and close in their relationship as well.  While Ann was in Holland, she met up with Jannie.  They spent much of their free time together.  The more Ann got to know Jannie, the more she thought her brother, Rinus, should meet her.  

Ann came back to Canada and when Rinus was going to visit Holland a few months later, she purchased a present for Jannie and asked Rinus to deliver it.  Ann was hoping that the two of them would get along well.

Rinus went to Holland and then he realized that he should deliver the present as his sister had asked.  So he went to visit Jannie and she invited him in for tea, joining her friends and relatives who were also at the house.  As their gathering came to a close, Rinus asked Jannie if she wanted to go sightseeing with him the next Saturday.  She accepted and they got together on the Saturday.  Rinus noticed her kindness and realized how she was much different than other girls who he considered to be “arrogant”.  After their sightseeing date was over, Rinus proposed to Jannie since he was leaving to visit another province of Holland.  That gave her some time to think about it while he was away for a bit.  When Rinus came back from the other province, Jannie accepted his proposal;  they got married in Canada on December 19, 1969.

It wasn’t until after they were married that Rinus realized Jannie was the girl whose hair caught on fire in kindergarten.

Dating Advice from Yesteryear

I am not posting this excerpt from my maternal grandmother’s memoirs (dated 1997) as a way of deriding her way of thinking.  On the contrary, I see that so much misery can be avoided when men and women place genuine commitment ahead of sexual intimacy.  She and my grandfather loved each other and reached the milestone of 50 years of marriage.   

  I was married in Maassluis on May 19, 1932, and the pastor who led the church service was named Rev. Rieberg.  Our wedding text was John 2:2, “And Jesus was also a guest [at the wedding].”  It is a beautiful wedding text when we can also invite the Lord Jesus to our wedding.  We can certainly have wonderful celebrations and also a wedding, but everything we do needs to be done with the spirit that Jesus will be present there.  We can be joyful, but we must remember that not just “anything goes.”

   Mrs. VanLien, for whom I had previously worked, gave me the right kind of advice in the area of relationships.  She would say, “Child, when you are going out with a man, there are some things you should set boundaries around.”  She also said that if you want to get married properly and with purity and you grow closer together, you still need to say, “No” to certain activities.

   “Child, it is much better to get married in purity, even if all you have is a table and four chairs.  Later on, that young man will be so grateful that you did not compromise,” she continued.

   That is really how we were raised and instructed, if we were going out with someone and we wanted a church wedding.  Then it is wonderful to get married.  Marriage is a big step.  You need to really get to know each other and each other's personalities.  There will be times when you think to yourself, I didn't think you were like that.  A wife will have these thoughts about her husband, and a husband about his wife.  But where there is genuine love, then you will grow towards one another.  Then it just gets better and better.  Then you have not unwrapped the gift before you get married.

Learning from a J.W.

Over ten years ago when my husband still worked at a family greenhouse business he had a regular customer who had an interesting perspective about celebrations.  As a Jehovah’s Witness he did not celebrate birthdays.[1]  He explained that as a result of this he gave special honour to anniversaries instead.  He bought roses not only for his wife but for couples that were his friends who had a special day.

   He pointed out that while birthdays celebrate staying alive, an anniversary involves something extra—the effort of staying together and working at a relationship.  So, not only the milestone anniversaries deserve to be marked.  Every anniversary is an achievement of love and cannot be taken for granted.

   Sticking with your spouse is not as common today as it once was.  It stands out and ought to be celebrated by those who are close to the couple.  It’s hurtful when this day is ignored.  A friend recently shared that on her anniversary she especially misses her deceased parents who always made a point of holding such a day in honour.  In contrast, her parents-in-law do not even phone and acknowledge the day.

   Many readers have witnessed dozens of weddings.  These events are full of excitement and joy, but they also involve a duty to track with these couples, encourage them as we have opportunity, and to celebrate their anniversaries one by one.  Maybe it’s time to take a second look at how much value we place on those special days that celebrate commitment.

---

[1] The only two mentions of birthdays in the Bible have highly negative associations.  The birthday of Pharaoh in Genesis 40 was the occasion of executing his chief baker and a day of feasting.  On the birthday of Herod the Tetrarch in Matthew 14 & Mark 6 there was drunkenness, provocative dancing and a call for the head of John the Baptizer.  This is the main reason why Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate birthdays.

Engagements: Long or Short

   On this date in 1935, my paternal grandparents were married after a five year engagement.  It was the Great Depression, so it took considerable time to save up the money for them to start a household separate from their parental homes.  Having known them, the furniture and appliances they would have considered essential would seem rather Spartan to us.
   Long engagements today are usually for different reasons.  In order to book a stylish venue on your preferred date, you need to book it 12 months or more in advance.  The couple wants to finish school first or buy a house first or live together first.  Sometimes couples become engaged without setting a wedding date because one partner is afraid to actually follow through.  It seems to me that maintaining the sense of anticipation until one’s wedding day is difficult to do when an engagement period exceeds a year.

   Long or short, the time before a wedding is more than just arranging for a one-day event that measures up to one’s dreams.  It is a key time for conversations about your plans for the future beyond the wedding and beginning to merge your different backgrounds into a new “us.” 

   Some valuable tools to accompany this journey include the following:

• Meeting with the pastor who will marry you for "pre-marriage counselling."
• Marriage Preparation Course by Alpha Ministries  This 5 session course offered in different settings across Canada gives practical advice for engaged couples and plenty of private talking time for each couple that attends.
• Engaged Encounter.  This intense weekend of teaching and private discussion takes place.  Each Engaged Encounter includes Christian teaching about marriage from the slant of various denominations, from Catholic to Lutheran and Reformed. 
• Read a book together.  I humbly suggest  Happily Ever After: A Real-Life Look at Your First Year of Marriage...and Beyond  by Toben and Joanne Heim. Each of its chapters closes with conversation starters. 

If you know someone at this stage of life, feel free to pass this on.